Paralysis. Inchoate thoughts. Plans that I can't bring to fruition. It's true that I'm busy - everyone seems to be busy these days - but how is that an excuse? Perhaps there are more worries than usual at work, but that's no excuse, either. Other people have far more serious troubles.
I play with technology, convincing myself that the time spent in new hardware, new software, blogs and podcasts are all investments, but I know I'm just fooling myself. It's fun, the time passes, but it's a distraction.
I consume: books, television, movies. Entertainment, yes, but it's learning, too, it's discovering craftsmanship. So I tell myself, even though I know it's a lie.
It's a momentous time out in the greater world. The Left sees their Arab Spring moment, with capitalism itself playing the role of third-world dictator, while the Right sees financial ruin. This does not create a sense of mental calm. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I don't feel fine. Still, no excuse.
It's a bad time of the year…Thanksgiving, Christmas. Holiday parties, buying gifts, readying the house, travel. But when is it a good time? Summer brings heat, fall brings vacation. Life happens. It's never a good time.
There's no mental energy to put thoughts to paper. The action of creating sentences seems more than I can handle. Stories half, three-quarters written remain unfinished, un-posted. I wander the world, not bored but not engaged, either.
I can beat myself up about it, but that's not helpful, I realize. I need to move past this. Discipline. Focus. Move forward.