Baby It's Hot Outside

Dr. Garth Goode has provided ample entertainment in Caledon Burroughs, from a Laboratory in the Sky, to the Caledon Museum of Unnatural History, to a Laboratory Under the Sea, to moving pictures. He now turns his attention inward, to the warmest spot yet: the Outpost at the Center of the Earth.

See how the molten magma in the earth's core runs down the outside of the laboratory. One hesitates to travel so far into the earth, lest something go wrong.

But Dr. Goode has thought of everything, including a state-of-the-art cooling system:

Home Defense

I decided to install Dr. Garth Goode's new Fantastic Force Field for home protection - keeping out the scamps, Mainlanders, and such.*

It installs quickly and creates an impenetrable barrier to those seeking to enter.**

Unfortunately, the field is active on either side, creating a similarly impenetrable barrier against those wishing to leave the premises.

Fortunately, I have an ample stock of absinthe and crackers in the larder. I'm sure someone will wander by one of these days and turn off the field.

*Not really. I don't care who wanders in when I'm not there. Bring a friend and a six-pack! Just clean up after yourselves.

**Well, impenetrable, except for the opening on either side, allowing one to simply walk around it.

Burroughs in Winter

I had the pleasure of visiting Caledon Burroughs and seeing how Dr. Goode's duchy fared in the winter months. The snow had fallen, of course, but Dr. Goode had a purpose-built clank to clear the walkways. The little guy had almost finished when I arrived:

When Rhianon visited, she saw the Laboratory in the Sky. It seemed that there was now a Laboratory Under the Sea as well. Would it be accessible with the lake frozen over?

I shimmied down the pole - no high-tech conveyance here! - and indeed the connecting tube went straight through the ice to the laboratory on the floor of the firth.

To accommodate the ice, however, Dr. Goode had installed several vehicles capable of traversing over the frozen firth, including a shuttle to the Caledon mainland and several ice-skimming vehicles.

But why ride when one can skate? I strapped on a pair of skates and made my way across the water.

The Museum of Unnatural History

When I recently visited the new Duchy of Burroughs, one area was still undeveloped: that of the Caledon Museum of Unnatural History. Caledon has had a great deal of history, much of it unnatural, so I was quite curious to see the museum when it opened.

I received word from Dr. Garth Goode that the museum had, indeed, opened, so I took the earliest opportunity to visit.

Outside the museum I saw no one. On the ground was a piece of paper. Stooping down to retrieve the paper, I found a pamphlet entitled "CMUH Museum Guide," which I reproduce below:

CALEDON MUSEUM OF UNNATURAL HISTORY

Welcome to the Caledon Museum of Unnatural History. I sincerely hope that you enjoy your visit. Be assured that every precaution has been taken to ensure your safety. However, I do strongly suggest that you refrain from taunting or otherwise harassing the Exhibits, including the undead or non-corporeal specimens. Because, as a wise man once said, You Never Know.

Upon taking up residence in Caledon Burroughs I began a geological survey of the islands. Much to my surprise I discovered a cavern sealed from the elements by an
iron door. Tingling with anticipation (and no small amount of trepidation) I explored the cavern by flickering torchlight.

I will spare you the terrifying and grisly details of that night. Suffice it to say that I survived if with somewhat less dignity and somewhat more soiled undergarments. What should cause such a reaction in a famously stout-hearted example of Manhood such as myself?

Merely this: The previous denizen of the cave was a latter-day Doctor Moreau, possessing what I can only describe as a disturbed mind. More than a mere engineer of genetics, this madman appears to have been a collector of strange, unnatural creatures. No doubt these things were to be used as raw materials for his ghastly experiments. At least, that is my supposition. What notes this anonymous lunatic left behind are largely unintelligible or half-eaten by the Creatures.

Creatures? Oh, yes, there were Creatures.

This museum has been established as a monument to scientific achievement, for even a genius madman is still a genius. I have done my best to reconstruct the origin and purpose of these Exhibits using the information at hand. The blanks in the record have been filled in by deductive reasoning, guesswork, and no small amount of imagination.

Yours in Science,

Dr. Garth Goode, Curator

Who could resist? I entered the museum carefully. The interior was pitch black. I saw two red dots nearby and gasped. As my eyes adjusted to the stygian darkness, I saw that the eyes were attached to a...cow.

Not just any cow, mind you, but the Bovidae Vampirus, or the Vampcow. A helpful brochure explained the origins of this unfortunate creature and its progeny.

Across the way was a sight even more horrifying: Luminaria Blingus, or the Wild Bling. Fortunately, the creatures were captured and quite secure. Shuddering, I moved on, past Rattus Cavoritus (the Cavorat, difficult to see that high up in the cage), Avatarus Newbus (the Newbie), encased in ice and murmuring horrid come-ons to me, Tinius Gigantus (the Jumbo Tiny, grown to a grotesque size), and Mermaidus Furrus (the Furmaid, pictured below).

One could only imagine the smell of the wet fur.

Near the Tinius Gigantus was a bottle. Now I knew how Dr. Goode withstood the horrors as he constructed his museum.

I ventured upstairs, only to find... well, I'd best leave that for the next visitor, hadn't I?

Suffice it to say I made it out alive, and look forward to return visits to the museum, a much-needed addition to the scientific education of Caledon.

The Duchy of Burroughs

Dr. Garth Goode is now His Grace, Duke of Burroughs, having purchased the Duchy of Cafall from the Nachts and renamed it. (I heard the name and, for whatever odd reason, thought: William Burroughs, Mr. Naked Lunch, Mr. Shot-His-Wife-Playing-Games. Then I saw the place, slapped my head, and said, "Oh, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Mr. Barsoom!")

I visited the island in my little runabout aircraft that Miss Ilsa Munro built and dubbed the Barsoom Express, doubtless in homage to Mr. Burroughs because of the cavorite-powered vertical propulsion unit. Other than shaky sim crossings, I made excellent time and landed next to a much larger - dare I say space-worthy? - ship.

Indeed, the Martian connection becomes more obvious when reading the signs in the central part of the duchy, one of which offers to transport the viewer to see a simulated Martian landing:


Floating above the sea is the Laboratory in the Sky (complete with a small observatory):

Inside, power cables run hither and yon, control panels flash warning lights, and various experiments are in progress. The small clank below is apparently some sort of communications robot, with expertise in Martian. (Did I hear its name was Artoo something?)

More ominous is the experiment involving electricity, reanimation serum, and a corpse. The empty slab looks particularly disturbing. I quickly retraced my steps and returned below.


Dr. Goode's Sprockets nightclub has been transported to the duchy and now occupies its own small island, connected via bridge:




A scientific museum is under construction. Given the experiments I witnessed in the overhead Laboratory, I look forward to the opening of the museum with no little trepidation!