The Museum of Unnatural History

When I recently visited the new Duchy of Burroughs, one area was still undeveloped: that of the Caledon Museum of Unnatural History. Caledon has had a great deal of history, much of it unnatural, so I was quite curious to see the museum when it opened.

I received word from Dr. Garth Goode that the museum had, indeed, opened, so I took the earliest opportunity to visit.

Outside the museum I saw no one. On the ground was a piece of paper. Stooping down to retrieve the paper, I found a pamphlet entitled "CMUH Museum Guide," which I reproduce below:

CALEDON MUSEUM OF UNNATURAL HISTORY

Welcome to the Caledon Museum of Unnatural History. I sincerely hope that you enjoy your visit. Be assured that every precaution has been taken to ensure your safety. However, I do strongly suggest that you refrain from taunting or otherwise harassing the Exhibits, including the undead or non-corporeal specimens. Because, as a wise man once said, You Never Know.

Upon taking up residence in Caledon Burroughs I began a geological survey of the islands. Much to my surprise I discovered a cavern sealed from the elements by an
iron door. Tingling with anticipation (and no small amount of trepidation) I explored the cavern by flickering torchlight.

I will spare you the terrifying and grisly details of that night. Suffice it to say that I survived if with somewhat less dignity and somewhat more soiled undergarments. What should cause such a reaction in a famously stout-hearted example of Manhood such as myself?

Merely this: The previous denizen of the cave was a latter-day Doctor Moreau, possessing what I can only describe as a disturbed mind. More than a mere engineer of genetics, this madman appears to have been a collector of strange, unnatural creatures. No doubt these things were to be used as raw materials for his ghastly experiments. At least, that is my supposition. What notes this anonymous lunatic left behind are largely unintelligible or half-eaten by the Creatures.

Creatures? Oh, yes, there were Creatures.

This museum has been established as a monument to scientific achievement, for even a genius madman is still a genius. I have done my best to reconstruct the origin and purpose of these Exhibits using the information at hand. The blanks in the record have been filled in by deductive reasoning, guesswork, and no small amount of imagination.

Yours in Science,

Dr. Garth Goode, Curator

Who could resist? I entered the museum carefully. The interior was pitch black. I saw two red dots nearby and gasped. As my eyes adjusted to the stygian darkness, I saw that the eyes were attached to a...cow.

Not just any cow, mind you, but the Bovidae Vampirus, or the Vampcow. A helpful brochure explained the origins of this unfortunate creature and its progeny.

Across the way was a sight even more horrifying: Luminaria Blingus, or the Wild Bling. Fortunately, the creatures were captured and quite secure. Shuddering, I moved on, past Rattus Cavoritus (the Cavorat, difficult to see that high up in the cage), Avatarus Newbus (the Newbie), encased in ice and murmuring horrid come-ons to me, Tinius Gigantus (the Jumbo Tiny, grown to a grotesque size), and Mermaidus Furrus (the Furmaid, pictured below).

One could only imagine the smell of the wet fur.

Near the Tinius Gigantus was a bottle. Now I knew how Dr. Goode withstood the horrors as he constructed his museum.

I ventured upstairs, only to find... well, I'd best leave that for the next visitor, hadn't I?

Suffice it to say I made it out alive, and look forward to return visits to the museum, a much-needed addition to the scientific education of Caledon.